Calvin at Camp: Anything Goes
by Blue Paratroopa
Summary: While on a cruise, Calvin's prank on Susie goes dreadfully wrong. Now, everyone thinks Calvin is in love! In fact, he's starting to think it himself! Meanwhile, the ship is sinking and no one notices. Oh, and it's a musical. Bon voyage!
1. Program

CALVIN AT CAMP PRESENTS: ANYTHING GOES – A MUSICAL CRUISE

Music by: Cole Porter

Lyrics by: Cole Porter and Blue Paratroopa (Adaptations)

**ACT I**

**Scene 1: The Locker Room**

"I Get a Kick Out of Gross" – Calvin

"There's No Cure Like Scamming" – Eddy, Double D, Ed

**Scene 2: The Pool**

"Bon Voyage/There's No Cure Like Scamming (reprise)" – Double D, Eddy, Ed, Jason, Marcus, Ensemble

**Scene 3: On Deck**

"You're the Worst" – Hobbes, Calvin

"Easy to Love" – Calvin, Susie

**Scene 4: Charlie Brown & Snoopy's Cabin and the Hallway**

"Snoopy's Song" – Snoopy

"There Will Always be Something Afoot" – Hobbes, Snoopy

"Friendship" – Calvin, Hobbes, Jason, Marcus

**Scene 5: On Deck**

"Delovely" – Schroeder, Jason, Marcus

"Anything Goes" – Lucy, Ensemble

**ACT II**

**Scene 1: The Dining Hall**

"Reception Song" – Double D, Ed, Ensemble

"The Cupid Number" – Lucy, Ensemble

"Goodbye, Little Dream, Goodbye" - Susie

**Scene 2: The Brig**

"You're Just Maturing" – Hobbes, Calvin

"All Through the Ship" – Jason, Marcus

**Scene 3: On Deck**

"The Hero in Me" – Charlie Brown

**Scene 4: The Brig**

**Scene 5: On Deck**

"Eddy Beware" – Double D

"Finale" - Cast


	2. Act 1, Scene 1

The kids at camp were excited. Today was a special day at the pool! Instead of only having one hour, they had two hours to spend there! Most kids were looking forward to simply playing, but others knew that an adventure would happen one way or another.

The Eds had set up their latest scam in the locker room: A non-alcoholic bar known as the "Poolside Pub." They had accomplished it by setting up a few stools and a counter. The menu had only one item: Tapwater-no ice. Even for the Eds, it was a pretty pathetic attempt at a scam. Their only customer at the moment was Snoopy, who had brought his own supper dish and sat in the corner, thinking to himself about Yale and how its mascot should have been a beagle instead of a bulldog. "Bulldog, bulldog, bow, wow, wow..."

"I don't get it," Eddy mused, scanning the locker room for customers. It was almost empty, aside from a few changing kids who wanted to avoid eye contact. "Almost no one's stopped by today for a drink! Maybe it's a location problem."

"Location?" exclaimed Double D. "Of COURSE it's the location! Eddy, you've opened an eating establishment in a locker room! No one will want to eat here! Not to mention it's hard to trust how sanitary conditions here are." He took a drink and continued. "I've had to keep a close eye on Ed to make sure he's really getting his drinks from the water fountains."

Eddy sneered. "Bet you didn't watch him make THAT one, did you?"

At that moment, Ed walked out of a stall with a plunger. "Toilet's clean, Eddy!"

Not wanting to take a chance, Double D spat out his drink.

"Seriously, though," continued Eddy, "we need some customers." He looked up to see Calvin and Hobbes. "Now, THAT'S what I'm talking about!"

Calvin scanned the menu. "I'll have a...tapwater. No ice."

"Saying no ice implies that you can get one WITH ice," Hobbes pointed out.

"Yeah, well, you can't." Eddy served them their drinks.

"Hey," complained Hobbes, "this glass is dirty!"

"Take it or leave it!" Eddy shot back.

"Ignore him, Hobbes," said Calvin, "we're here to talk business! I've got the best plan to get Susie with a water balloon! I pretend to romance her, get her close, and then BAM! Right in the kisser! It'll hurt her on the inside and out!"

"Didn't you try this recently?" asked Hobbes.

"What, you mean my Faux d'Amour idea? That was different. It was with Jason and Marcus and it didn't work. This one's solo. And I have to be careful…if anyone sees me attempt so cruel a prank, it could be my head on a platter!"

Hobbes was skeptical. "Think you can do it? All that work, getting close to someone only to break their heart? AND to not have anyone notice it? That seems wasteful to me."

"It's what I have to do, Hobbes," shrugged Calvin. "I'm a complicated individual."

(To the tune of "I Get a Kick Out of You")

_**There are a lot of things that I don't get**_

_**Like practically everything that I've learned in school yet**_

_**The only thing that hits me like a brick**_

_**Yes, I tell you I'm sure of this**_

_**If I bumped into any Miss**_

_**I would gag and then I'd hiss**_

"_**You girls make me sick"**_

_**I don't know much on romance**_

_**For any kiss I would surely dismiss**_

_**And I wouldn't let girls get too close**_

_**But I get a kick out of GROSS**_

_**I would say love's a disease**_

_**And as they are, they spread from near or far**_

_**For a doctor to then diagnose**_

_**But I get a kick out of GROSS**_

_**I get a kick when I give a toss**_

_**And water balloons splatter**_

_**I get a kick though I'm at a loss**_

_**As to why this stuff would matter**_

_**I never cared much for girls**_

_**Yes, possibly they just aren't for me**_

_**You can see they leave me comatose**_

_**But I get a kick out of GROSS**_

"Well," said Hobbes, "we'd better go."

"Yeah," agreed Calvin, "I'll need all the time I can get! This is one for the logbooks." Quickly, they ran off.

(To the tune of "There's No Cure Like Travel")

Double D: _**Eddy, this scam has been a failure**_

_**It's one that all the kids ignore**_

Eddy: _**Knew that would happen but my hope will start a-flappin'**_

_**Cause we've still got one more**_

Double D: _**You mean another scam is ready?**_

_**One you did not tell me about?**_

Eddy: _**It's a surprise so you should cover your eyes**_

_**Oh, and get ready for**_

_**A scam that they'll all adore**_

Ed: _**It's here, it's docked**_

_**And we know that you'll be ROCKED**_

Ed and Eddy: _**Cause our greatest scam's taken the floor**_

_**Yes, there's no cure like scamming**_

_**We love when we're shamming**_

_**Ka-blamming and hamming around**_

_**And instead of us swimming**_

_**We're winning and brimming**_

_**With saps that**_

_**We've gone and we've found**_

_**So let's head out for sailing**_

_**And trailing and flailing**_

_**And scaling**_

_**The heights going far**_

_**And they wonder**_

_**Why do they always do this?**_

_**Well, it's who we are**_

* * *

><p>Just what is Eddy's big scam? Find out in the next chapter! Unless you haven't read the description! Who reads a story without reading the description, anyway? It's usually a good indicator of what...ah, never mind.<p>

I was in a production of Anything Goes in high school. We're on Youtube. Ah, memories.


	3. Act 1, Scene 2

Finishing their little number, Ed and Eddy led Double D outside to reveal their scam-a cruise ship. Yes, really, a cruise ship. An enormous ocean liner sat in the pool. In fact, it took up the entire pool. Double D stared in awe.

"How did you do this?" he gasped. "Where did you find an ocean liner, and how did you get it in here?"

"We built it!" smiled Ed. "We used the finest paper mache!"

"I don't believe this," Double D mumbled as he continued to gape.

The other kids, obviously, had noticed the ship too, and were gazing in awe at the vessel.

"Get your tickets here!" called Eddy. "Just step on board for a luxury cruise around the pool!"

"But how can we go around the pool," said Linus, "if your ship takes up the entire pool?"

"It doesn't matter!" Jimmy said happily. "We'll be on a real boat!"

Huey slunk away to the sidelines. "I'm sitting this one out. It sounds like it's going to be a musical…"

Eddy began leading the kids onto the boat via a paper mache ramp. Double D nervously approached him.

"Is this entire vessel made of paper mache?" Double D nervously asked Captain Eddy.

"Sure is," nodded Eddy, "along with some chicken wire."

"This is completely, in all meanings of the word, UNSAFE!" shouted Double D. Looking around, he quickly lowered his voice. "I'm amazed that it hasn't already sunk!"

"If it makes you feel better," grumbled Eddy, "I'll make you the purser. You can, uh, purse and stuff." He handed Double D a little sailor's cap.

"Fine," said Double D, putting the hat on, "I'll do my best to keep this shipshape, but I'm not claiming any responsibility for when it sinks."

Eddy brushed him off and continued to help kids board the ship. Next aboard were Jason and Marcus.

"I need your help, guys," Eddy whispered to them. "This boat is going nowhere, but we need to make people THINK it is! You know any special effects for that?"

"Sure," said Jason. "I'm thinking we can start out with a fog machine, and then…"

"Sure, sure!" said Eddy, shoving them forward. "Just do it once we 'set off'!"

With that, Eddy ran onto the ship to make final preparations for its maiden voyage. Down on the side of the pool, however, there were other conflicts arising…

Calvin slowly snuck after Susie with a water balloon behind his back. "Hey, beautiful," he called loudly enough so that only Susie could hear him.

"Calvin?" she turned around, confused.

"You, uh," Calvin said nervously, not used to flirting, "you look nice in that swimsuit. Yeah, I hear the one piece look is all the rage in France."

"Really?" Susie said with a hint of suspicion. "Well, thank you."

"You're welcome…" Calvin said. "Yeah, and your hair looks nice."

"Yeah," said Susie, "it hasn't gotten wet yet."

Calvin grinned. "No, but it's about to…"  
>"All ashore that's going ashore!" called Double D, interrupting him. "All ashore!"<p>

Suddenly, Calvin was caught in a flurry of passengers boarding the ship. He couldn't throw the balloon with everyone around. Sticking it into his swimsuit, he joined the crowd.

(To the tune of "Bon Voyage")

Kids: _**Bon voyage**_

Double D_**: I doubt it will be "bon"**_

Kids: _**We're off to sail 'round the pool**_

_**An adventure**_

Double D: _**That Eddy has egged on**_

Kids: _**It's like I'm in sea**_

_**With four walls around me**_

_**Here we go now**_

Double D: _**I really don't like this**_

Kids: _**We're setting sail**_

Double D: _**Something will be amiss**_

Kids: _**We're up here on the deck**_

_**Don't know what to expect**_

_**Bon voyage**_

_**Bon voyage**_

"All ashore!" announced Ed.

"Final call!" added Double D. "All ashore!"

Eddy, Double D, Ed, Jason, and Marcus: _**Yes, there's no cure like scamming**_

_**We love when we're shamming**_

_**Ka-blamming and hamming around**_

_**And instead of us swimming**_

_**We're winning and brimming**_

_**With saps that we've found**_

_**So let's head out for sailing**_

_**And trailing and flailing**_

_**And scaling**_

_**The heights going far**_

_**And they wonder**_

_**Why do they always do this?**_

_**Well, it's who we are**_

Kids (simultaneously): _**Bon voyage**_

_**And we really mean "bon"**_

_**We're off to sail 'round the pool**_

_**An adventure**_

_**That we're gonna go on**_

_**It's like I'm in sea**_

_**With four walls around me**_

_**Here we go now**_

_**We're really excited**_

_**We're setting sail**_

_**We've been invited**_

_**We're up here on the deck**_

_**Don't know what to expect**_

_**Bon voyage**_

_**Bon voyage**_

All: _**Bon voyage!**_


	4. Act 1, Scene 3

And so it was that the ship set off, so to speak. In reality, they were just sitting there in the pool. As it was pointed out earlier, there really was nowhere to go, after all. While Eddy fretted about this, Calvin had his own problems to worry about: Susie.

"What am I going to do, Hobbes?" moaned Calvin as he paced around inside one of the ship's guestrooms with the waterballoon still stuck down his swimsuit.

"What's the problem?" Hobbes asked. "So your plan didn't work. Lots of our plans haven't worked, if you'll remember.

Calvin stopped pacing and spun around, grabbing his tiger friend. "You don't understand!" he cried. "Susie thinks I like her now! What am I supposed to do?"

"I see," said Hobbes. "So you'll have to hit her with that water balloon soon to restore the status quo."

"I know," sighed Calvin, letting go of Hobbes. "If I don't, I might lose my edge. Heck, I don't know if I ever even had an edge to begin with."

Hobbes smiled kindly. "If it makes you feel any better, you're always a brat in my eyes."

Calvin looked up. "You mean it?"

(To the tune of "You're the Top")

Hobbes: _**You're quite psychotic**_

_** A tad neurotic**_

_** And you're quite shrimpy and small**_

_** Somehow you always have a ball**_

_** Driving them all**_

_** Up a wall**_

_** And when it comes to**_

_** Guys who succumb to**_

_** Their deepest, dark desires**_

_** I've got to say that you're on your way and**_

_** At this rate, well**_

_** Kid, you're on fire!**_

_** You're the worst**_

_** You're a bratty whiner**_

_** You're the worst**_

_** Yet there's no one finer**_

_** You are on the list**_

_** Of the chauvinists**_

_** Of time**_

_** If you were left off**_

_** I would have to scoff**_

_** Oh, what a crime!**_

_** You're a jerk**_

_** You're loud and annoying**_

_** Women shirk**_

_** When you start your toying**_

_** You are so supreme**_

_** When you make them scream and curse**_

_** Calvin, they can't stand you**_

_** All women say you're the worst!**_

Calvin: _**I agree with you said**_

_** Boy, is my face red**_

_** You were right to berate**_

_** I sure do love to irritate**_

_** Those girl ingrates**_

_** Who I hate**_

_** All your statistics**_

_** On my sadistic**_

_** Behavior's getting worse**_

_** So Hobbes, I'm with ya**_

_** I could almost kiss ya**_

_** But instead I'll just take a verse**_

_** I'm the worst**_

_** Nobody can beat me**_

_** I'm the worst**_

_**Women can't defeat me**_

_** I all guy power**_

_** And I wanna shower her**_

_** With some compliments**_

_** Then some water dense**_

_** All in a blur**_

_** I'm the worst**_

_** When it comes to teasing**_

_** I'm the worst**_

_** And it's so appeasing**_

_** Right now I have got**_

_** A whole darn lot of thirst**_

_** To show this whole camp**_

_** That I am the worst!**_

His confidence renewed, Calvin pulled the waterballoon out of his swimsuit and marched out onto the decks in search of Susie. He had a girl to soak!

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, Jason and Marcus were on top of the ship talking to Eddy.<p>

"Okay," said Eddy, "what I need is a starry sky. I'm talking beautiful stuff. Romantic, sweet. Something that'll wow all of the kids. Especially Nazz. Think you can pull this off?"

"No problem," said Marcus.

"But it might take some time," Jason added.

Eddy narrowed his eyes. "How much time?"

"Not much, we promise," Marcus assured him. "In the meantime, we can rig up a fog machine to cover things up."

"Sounds good to me," said Eddy. "Now go!"

In their haste to leave, Jason and Marcus bumped into a smokestack, knocking it over. Eddy quickly grabbed it and shoved it back into place.

"That ain't good," Eddy murmured to himself. Then he brushed it off. It was probably nothing.

* * *

><p>Calvin came out on deck to find that a thick fog had rolled in, thanks to Jason and Marcus. As he wandered through the haze, he bumped into someone.<p>

"Sorry," the girl said.

Calvin's eyes lit up. It was Susie!

"Susie!" he cried happily. "I was looking for you!"

Susie smiled hopefully. "You were?"  
>Calvin quickly restrained himself and tried to play it cool. "Yeah," he said calmly, "I guess I was. So, uh, how are you?"<p>

"Fine since the last time we met. Hey, is there something behind your back?"

She was, of course, motioning to the waterballoon. Thinking quickly, Calvin used his free hand to turn her around towards the "ocean."

"Hey, isn't it a great view?" he asked.

"I don't see much."

Calvin was about to splash her with the balloon when she turned around. He quickly hid it behind his back again.

"Uh, my view of you is nice," he said charmingly.

Calvin gulped, realizing what he just said. How disgusting, saying that to a girl! To make matters worse, Jimmy and Sarah were walking by. Calvin couldn't hit Susie with the balloon now; they'd pummel him!

The only way out, clearly, was to continue pretending to be nice.

Calvin: Uh..._**you'd be so easy to love**_

_** So easy to idolize all others above**_

_** So sweet to waken with**_

_** So nice to sit down to eggs and bacon with**_

As Calvin continued singing, he tried harder and harder to hide the water balloon from Susie, Jimmy, and Sarah. This was getting incredibly difficult.

Calvin: _**We'd be so grand at the game**_

_** So carefree together that it does seem a shame**_

On this line, Calvin threw out his arms and stealthilly tossed the water balloon overboard. For now, the crisis had been averted.

Calvin: _**That you can't see your future with me**_

_** Cause you'd be oh, so easy to love**_

With a quick wave, Calvin ran away into the fog. That was too close. He'd have to find another way to soak Susie.

"What was _that_?" wondered Sarah.

"I don't know," said Jimmy. "But it looked like Calvin singing a ballad."

Susie just sighed and watched him leave.

Susie: _**Cause you'd be oh, so easy to love.**_..


	5. Act 1, Scene 4

Snoopy happily danced through his own guest room. Here he was, a beagle on a crusie. He had always wanted to go on one of those, and his dream had finally come true! He was a real seadog!

(To the tune of "The Crew Song")

Snoopy: _**A seadog's life is the life for me**_

_** There isn't a thing I'd rather be**_

_** This is the cleanest water I've ever seen**_

_** Cause instead of salt, it is full of chlorine!**_

"Valet," he pretended to call. When no one answered, he gave a loud WOOF.

Charlie Brown stumbled in carrying a stack of suitcases.

"Honestly, Snoopy," the boy panted, "how and where did you get all this luggage in such a short amount of time?"

Snoopy ignored him and continued dancing around the room, lost in his thoughts.

"What a life this is!" Snoopy thought to himself. "Out here, a dog can really be himself! Yes, it's the perfect simulation of the open seas! I don't believe I've ever been happier!"

He threw his arms out happily and knocked Charlie Brown and the pile of suitcases over.

Still ignoring Charlie Brown (who was trapped under the luggage), Snoopy danced out into the hallway.

Snoopy: _**I am in quite the seafaring mood**_

_** The only thing I'd like more is some food**_

_** I am just itchin'**_

_** To check out the ship's kitchen**_

_** Oh, a seadog's life is one for me!**_

Charlie Brown sighed.

* * *

><p>Skipping down the halls, Snoopy ran into Hobbes, who was the only animal who could "talk" to him.<p>

"Have you seen Calvin?" Hobbes asked the beagle.

"Why, no, I haven't," thought Snoopy. "I've been busy looking at my room, you see. I just wish my valet wasn't so clumsy."

"Your valet?"

"Yes, you know, that round-headed kid who feeds me."

Hobbes groaned. "Snoopy, he's...oh, never mind. I have to go find Calvin. He has a secret plan to soak Susie."

Snoopy raised an eyebrow. "If it's a secret plan, why are you telling me?"

"You can't talk," shrugged Hobbes.

"I suppose that's true," Snoopy nodded. "I shouldn't be surprised at Calvin, anyhow. After all..."  
>(To the tune of "There'll Always Be a Lady Fair")<p>

Snoopy: _**If there's one thing that this camp is not**_

_** Normal would be the word**_

Hobbes: _**Someone's always taking their shot**_

_** At doing something absurd**_

Snoopy: _**It looks like it is Calvin's turn**_

_** To pull some wacky stunt**_

Hobbes: _**And through it all, we stick it out**_

Both: _**We are thankful to the runt**_

_** There will always be something afoot**_

_** Whether for bad or whether for good**_

_** There'll always be something afoot**_

_** So we will not get bored**_

_** There will always be a prank to pull**_

_** Whenever things are starting to get dull**_

_** There'll always be something afoot**_

_** That cannot be ignored!**_

With a wave to Snoopy, Hobbes continued on his search.

* * *

><p>Charlie Brown, meanwhile, groaned and crawled out from the pile of luggage. Jonny walked over, while carrying Plank.<p>

"What's wrong, Charlie Brown?" Jonny asked him.

"I'm being bossed around by my own dog," Charlie Brown sighed. "I've been low before, but this is just sad."

"Yeah, I know how you feel," said Jonny. "Plank keeps me on a pretty short leash. Does that make you feel any better?"

"Not really..."

* * *

><p>Hobbes continued his search for Calvin. As he was looking through one of the bathrooms, he heard the loud, cantankerous voice of Eddy from down the hall.<p>

"It's taking too long!" Eddy was shouting.

"We're almost done," came Jason's voice. "Basically, all we need to do now is wait for the fog to clear."

"And how long is that going to take?" snapped Eddy.

"A few more minutes," came Marcus's voice.

Eddy growled and stomped by Hobbes, who had stopped to listen. Hobbes walked over to Jason and Marcus, who were gazing out the window.

"Man, he really wants this scam to work," said Hobbes. "I sense that the kids are getting bored, aren't they?"

"I got that feeling," said Marcus.

"We told him we were almost done," said Jason. "He's just too impatient."

At that moment, Calvin came rushing in and hid behind Hobbes.

The tiger smiled. "How's the plan going?"

"Worse than ever!" moaned Calvin. "I'm worried she's after me! She probably thinks I'm shy or something! Every time I get the mood set up, someone comes around the corner and I can't follow through! What am I gonna do?"

"What are you talking about?" asked Jason.

Calvin and Hobbes explained Calvin's plan and how he needed to set the right mood to catch Susie offguard.

"Interesting," said Marcus. "And a little disgusting. I suppose we can help."

"Yeah," said Jason, "what are friends for?"

(To the tune of "Friendship")

Jason: _**If you get scratched by a cat**_

_** I'd make it scat**_

Marcus: _**If you're ever on limb**_

_** Call on him (and me)**_

Calvin: _**If you're the winner of a giant scrap**_

_** I would clap**_

All: _**It's friendship, friendship**_

_** Just the perfect blendship**_

_** When other friendships have blown a fuse**_

_** Ours will never lose**_

_** Laddle-laddle-laddle**_

_** Oink oink oink**_

Calvin: _**If you're ever feeling down**_

_** We'll hit the town**_

Marcus: _**If you ever get all mauled**_

_** We'll have called**_

Hobbes: _**If I ever get the urge to eat people fast**_

_** I'll eat you last**_

All: _**That's friendship, friendship**_

_** Just the perfect blendship**_

_** When other friendships are down and out**_

_** You'll still hear us shout!**_

_** Laddle-laddle-laddle**_

_** Yeah yeah yeah**_

"Just leave it to us, Calvin!" cried Jason. "In a few minutes, things will be so romantic, it'll make all of us sick!

All: _**When other friendships have gone kapoot**_

_** Ours will still be good!**_

_** Yes it will!**_


End file.
